Little girls have varying answers to 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' A princess, a teacher, a doctor....
My only answer was that I wanted to become a mother. As a child, I would tell people that I wanted five kids. I even had a preferred order to them: boy, girl, boy, boy, girl. My reasons? A boy first, to be a big brother to everyone. A girl to even out the pair of them. Two precious boys that follow that would be best friends and playmates for life. And finally, a baby sister that would even out the group and be the little darling of the siblings.
I dreamed about their personalities, of everyone piling onto the bed for bedtime stories and snuggles, of the fights that I would have to break up between them. I have to smile a little, thinking about that little girl with big dreams of a large brood to look after (and yes, even a planner at that age!)
Those dreams have changed, and the little girl isn't so little anymore. Five has turned into 'we would be so happy with one'. But the desire to be a mother has never gone away.
There are simply no words to describe how much we want to be parents. No words. If hearts could burst with the amount of love just ready to spill out, they would. We will love them through every dirty diaper, every late night feed, every temper tantrum.
My medical issues are such that we will never be able to have kids of our own. There will be no unplanned pregnancies, and no magical oopsies that people always talk about when when couples have given up on trying to have a baby. Adoption is our only option. And I'm perfectly OK with that. We will love our children as much as any parent could.
I still wonder why I was unable to conceive when it is so easy for others. You can't help but wonder what the master plan is.
My only answer is that there must be some child out there that needs our love. Maybe they have already been born. Maybe they have yet to be conceived.
All we can do is wait, and trust that it will happen.
