If you're out there...

When I was trying to get pregnant, there were six months of hoping and daydreaming about all the things that would happen. In my mind, everything was planned out and all I had to do was get pregnant.

Six months passed, and hopes of having an easy pregnancy were dashed. Four years of fertility treatments later, and it was just not meant to be.

I never lost hope, and most of the time I was optimistic. Of course, there were times that I felt like crawling under a rock so I wouldn't have to be witness to the world of baby strollers and swollen pregnant bellies. Our lifelines were my amazing network of friends and family who were always there at the worst of times when we needed an ear, a shoulder, a hug.

Regardless of my optimism, I never let myself think about paint colours for the nursery, or look at baby furniture, or change anything in the house that could be construed as 'a baby is about to come into the house'. I knew that letting my mind go there would devastate me if something happened and I could not get pregnant.

I am so happy that I stuck to this. I have read on online forums of hopeful mothers who have set up nurseries (diapers and all) before pregnancy, and I can't imagine having a furnished baby room in the house on the darkest days of infertility.

The only things I had that were baby related were some clothes that people have given me for when it was my turn to get pregnant.

When I received them, I was thankful for them. I went through and laundered the items that I thought needed laundering, tossed out the items that were too ratty to use, and sorted by gender and size. I may have had a box of Kleenex with me when I did this. It was during that first year of fertility treatments, when my body's failure was raw and emotional.

The stuffed animals that were in the bins were held and cuddled. I whispered to them that they would soon feel clutching baby fingers again.

Fast forward to now. The bins are gone from my attic. For every wonderful birth of children in my life, they have been gone through and offered. The rest have been donated, so that other toes can once again wriggle in tiny socks.

Empty baby clothes bins, empty room that would have been a nursery, empty womb.

Today, I am looking at baby gates for the house. The hunt is on for a good gate that is wide enough to span the width of a large doorway. Baby gates have been marked off as 'will comply' on the home study inspection checklist, and will need to be installed before a child is placed with us. I am researching all the items that will be needed to be rushed out and bought when we get word that we have been chosen to become parents.

I am scared. Dare I let myself go down that path that motherhood is around the corner? Can I start doing what any parent does when they are expecting their little one? What if it will be another four years of waiting, or five, or six, or never?

As always, things are not in my control. I am at the whim of an unknown chain of events that may result in the most precious of gifts.

Now more than ever, I am ready to take the leap of faith that it will be WHEN and not IF. I am brushing all my fears aside and preparing to have my child come home.Scary. Exhilarating.

Little one, if you're out there already, we are getting ready for you.

PRIDE lessons: Adopted children and their loss

From the Adopt Ontario website:

PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education) is a nine-session course for a total of 27 hours of training that could be offered in a variety of ways, from once a week to sessions on weekends...All PRIDE trainers have received comprehensive training and have been approved by the Ontario Association of Children’s Aid Societies which holds the Ontario license for PRIDE. Each session is led by co-leaders, one an adoption professional and the other an experienced adoptive or foster parent.

This is a mandatory for all in Ontario who wish to adopt (as of December 31, 2007).

We did our PRIDE training in August and cannot say enough about it. Initially, I thought it was yet another cash grab. What did we really need to know about adopting? What training could they possibly give us that I couldn't learn myself?

What an eye-opener. There are so many intricacies and challenges with adopted children. Probably the main thing that we took out of this training is how important open adoption is. I'll get into that later because it really does need its own post or two.

Another thing that was discussed is how much loss the child will have. We really went into this thinking, wow, isn't the child we get going to be SO thankful that we are giving him/her a loving home? Apparently I watched too many TV after school specials as a kid.

Just think of how SCARY it must be to suddenly have everything you have known taken away from you. And it doesn't matter how old you are. Everything that a child knows in its life is gone. Maybe there is one particular worker in the orphanage who sings him to sleep. Maybe there is some radiator that makes a sound that is familiar. A particular blanket that is clutched. Gone. Everything that you knew.

If a child has been placed in foster homes, it's yet another loss in their lives. They may be too young to understand why yet another move is happening. A child who was looking forward to future events such as a friend's birthday party. or who enjoy participating on a sports team could suddenly be moved away and thrust into the unknown. It's great that you've finally bonded with your foster family. Here are your new parents!

If everything that you knew and loved were taken away from you, how would that make you feel?

We will take every day in baby steps, one day at a time. I am really hoping that trust and attachment happens easily (the good kind of attachment, not the bad) but we are willing to do whatever it takes to form these important bonds with our child.