Our social worker's voice quivers as she tells us that the birth mother has not given birth yet, but has decided to parent.
I can't believe it. I can't believe this is happening.
There's not much else to tell us. I'm not really sure anything else at that point would have sunk in. I feel like a grenade has gone off beside me.
We hang up with her, and it's just us on the line. I'm crying. Sobbing. The cleaning staff is nearby, emptying out the garbage bins in the next aisle over, but at this point, I really don't care who sees my grief. I am probably scaring them but I don't care.
We go into a crazed "we need to tell everyone that we told now" moment. My husband says he needs to talk to his sister, to hear her voice. He sounds broken, but adamant. While he's on the phone breaking the news to her, I get an email from the adoption agency requesting that they talk to us. We set up another conference call, me in my lonely cubicle, everyone else at home. More of the same about how she changed her mind, that she felt really really bad about it (I believe this to be true), and how our meeting with them the day before went as perfect as it could be. And they stressed that we did nothing wrong, that this was just how the cards fell.
My husband and I are left again on the phone, alone in our grief. He insists on coming to pick me up, refusing my suggestion that I just cab it home. He makes a few phone calls first, to tell our loved ones of what happened, before he comes to pick me up. I sob all the way home, interspersed with "I expletive can't believe this is happening... "
I fall asleep clutching my childhood teddy bear.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Presentment #3 - Waiting for the birth
Day 10 is Monday. I am still running on adrenaline, with thoughts zooming in my head about what I need to do. We tell our bosses at work, because we know we will need a lot of time off in the coming week before the baby comes home. And I needed to start cross-training my co-worker on my duties at work. I was worried that it wouldn't be enough time before I left on parental leave.
So in cases like this, the baby can't come home with the adoptive parents until the Ministry approves the adoption. Since the baby was going to be born any day now, the plan was for her to go to a foster parent. Apparently this woman does this - foster parents newborn babies after birth until the adoptive parents have been approved. The birth mother, in addition to visiting us, also visited the foster parent's house to see where her baby would be staying for a short while.
Once the baby was placed with the foster parent, we would visit with them and be able to bond with our baby. We discussed privately that we would make every effort to be with the baby as much as the foster parent would allow (as obviously we would need to be respectful of her space and schedule).
I have a meeting where I announce that I am now training my co-worker on my duties. A person pipes up asking if there's a reason why this is being done now... I know he's hinting that maybe I'm pregnant. I just say I'm being assigned to other projects, and that it makes sense to have knowledge spread throughout my team.
I'm working, but I'm also Googling. I start firing off emails to daycares, asking them about wait times, schedules, fees. Wow. For a mother who gives birth to her child, she has 9 months of pregnancy to plan, and then maternity/parental leave of up to 54 weeks. Plenty of time to get on those dreaded daycare wait lists. By this time, their baby is a year old.
Adoptive parents of newborns often have very little time to plan pre-birth. And since we are not eligible for maternity leave, we only receive 37 weeks. Sadly, 37 weeks is not enough to get on daycare lists, where infant spots commonly take 1.5 years to get.
I get a bit stressed about daycare, because I'm going to end up having a 10 month old in a daycare that wouldn't be my first choice. And I keep refreshing my email and checking my phone waiting to hear about the birth.
By this point, I'm in FULL planning mode. I have a fantastic pediatrician lined up through a family connection, I've picked out items that I still need and register for them. I sign us up for newborn care classes, and baby CPR.
I hate waiting.
I send an email to the birth parent counsellor, who is at the hospital with the birth mother, asking her to save as much as possible for the baby's life book. She emails to tell me they do that - they get an extra crib card, and gather one of the baby's hospital bracelets for the adoptive parents to keep.
I wish I could be there, but I understand why I can not be.
We wait, and wait some more. Our social worker books us for a call in the evening. I decide to stay late at work to continue planning while my husband goes home to feed and walk the dog. We call her, expecting the best...
So in cases like this, the baby can't come home with the adoptive parents until the Ministry approves the adoption. Since the baby was going to be born any day now, the plan was for her to go to a foster parent. Apparently this woman does this - foster parents newborn babies after birth until the adoptive parents have been approved. The birth mother, in addition to visiting us, also visited the foster parent's house to see where her baby would be staying for a short while.
Once the baby was placed with the foster parent, we would visit with them and be able to bond with our baby. We discussed privately that we would make every effort to be with the baby as much as the foster parent would allow (as obviously we would need to be respectful of her space and schedule).
I have a meeting where I announce that I am now training my co-worker on my duties. A person pipes up asking if there's a reason why this is being done now... I know he's hinting that maybe I'm pregnant. I just say I'm being assigned to other projects, and that it makes sense to have knowledge spread throughout my team.
I'm working, but I'm also Googling. I start firing off emails to daycares, asking them about wait times, schedules, fees. Wow. For a mother who gives birth to her child, she has 9 months of pregnancy to plan, and then maternity/parental leave of up to 54 weeks. Plenty of time to get on those dreaded daycare wait lists. By this time, their baby is a year old.
Adoptive parents of newborns often have very little time to plan pre-birth. And since we are not eligible for maternity leave, we only receive 37 weeks. Sadly, 37 weeks is not enough to get on daycare lists, where infant spots commonly take 1.5 years to get.
I get a bit stressed about daycare, because I'm going to end up having a 10 month old in a daycare that wouldn't be my first choice. And I keep refreshing my email and checking my phone waiting to hear about the birth.
By this point, I'm in FULL planning mode. I have a fantastic pediatrician lined up through a family connection, I've picked out items that I still need and register for them. I sign us up for newborn care classes, and baby CPR.
I hate waiting.
I send an email to the birth parent counsellor, who is at the hospital with the birth mother, asking her to save as much as possible for the baby's life book. She emails to tell me they do that - they get an extra crib card, and gather one of the baby's hospital bracelets for the adoptive parents to keep.
I wish I could be there, but I understand why I can not be.
We wait, and wait some more. Our social worker books us for a call in the evening. I decide to stay late at work to continue planning while my husband goes home to feed and walk the dog. We call her, expecting the best...
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